Speaking for A friend...

Every scar I have tells a story.

Like the times when I fell off my bike, the times when I scraped my arm while climbing that tree, and the times the bitch broke my heart.

But time has passed by like sand in an hourglass and I’ve learned so many things, lessons I’ve never had. I learned the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and learned that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. I learned to accept my defeats with my head up and my eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

I'm 23 and love already has me tired, disgusted and dismissed. Every day I get up with battle wounds from fighting cupid's misfortune, with one hand over my eye and cuts all over my rib areas, and a hole in my heart. It’s like the devil moved into my heart and the bastards pitched a tent. I've lost who I am, I'm not the same old me. I don't like who I've become. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and I can't seem to find my way out. These cold empty walls are of my making; I created them and they have me shaking. Hiding from mistakes will last for a moment; lust deceived me into believing it was real. But how quickly the atmosphere changed and the once felt love is now hurt that I feel. So I’ll stay true to myself, stand tall, and won’t despair.

I’ll set my soul free from doubt and one day my other half, he will prepare.

Adam had to ask, remember, for God to make Eve not before he was ready, or his purpose unfound. Adam knew when he asked the truth about love, that without two holes, a union would tumble right to the ground. So the question remains, do I know who I am? Have I lost my way from loves built upon lust? I won’t allow others confused to leave me tossed. I’ll re-steady myself, continue my journey, and won't let the life of the world make love hurry. Life may mislead you and bring you many things that aren’t that great.

If life misleads you it’s for you to learn something new every day. It isn’t to punish you or because it hates you like most people would think. If it wasn’t too misleading to you, and cause havoc, and pain and broken hearts in your life, then you would live a perfect life, but what good is it if you don’t learn?

Life is full of surprises and sometimes hurtful ones and you never can prepare or foreshadow if good things or bad things will happen. That’s why I don’t regret anything, not even the broken hearts, losing loved ones, the pain and havoc and doing things that I shouldn’t have done. This is the reason why I am the way I am and I act the way I do. Maybe I just need someone to love me so badly because I’m really not okay. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know, the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. In the end this love thing is just a game and now I just want to hear you scream my name.

No psychological attraction, I'm done with the pain. Karma has finally appeared only to give me the chance I've earned, for me to refuse you because my heart was taught a lesson that it finally learned.

...I just thought of speaking for you, a friend.

The unspoken has been written. And the unwritten is yet to come!

on Closing Cycles

Paolo Coelho's
ClosingCycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

...with this article by COELHO, I HOPE we can now all take our step out of our past. BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS, friends who bid FAREWELL, someone's DEATH, FAILED subjects, boring JOB and many other heavy baggages we carry in a day's life."

The Day I became Silent

Fact:
In Verona, where Shakespeare's tragedy of Romeo and Juliet happened, every year thousands of love letters are sent addressed to the two romantics.

Today is Valentines Day. If you haven't received your own letter, you just wait, or better update your address, maybe Cupid is just lost looking for it.

In our apartment with some friends, we've started celebrating valentines with some red wine and nachos. We have taken some pictures, memories we would always remember as singles of course except for Myles and Mitch, who are together, and hopefully next year things will get better for us, hoping to celebrate it with our soon to be better half.

Earlier, before Valentines Day Eve, I just slept the whole day. I had nothing to do, nothing special and no someone to celebrate the occasion. As soon as I got out from bed after an afternoon sleep, I just decided to go out for some fresh air. I took a shower and took off. With no place to go I just rode a cab. I don't really know where to go. When the driver asked me, I just said Edsa Central. After a few minutes I'm at my destination and I just found my self on the place where I usually have coffee with my closest friends. Alone, I just had a few sip from my coffee, had some sticks of smoke and a few text messages from some friends. I want to go home and yet I realized I am a nobody in a no where.

I manage to go back to the apartment and yet I still feel lonely. I don't know. I hate it whenever I feel guilty of a fault I never did. I am always disregarded. A friend when others are not there to be with them. I don't know how to deal with this.

That night ended with some serenades for Myles, of course requested by Mitch, and then I wrote this blog hoping to have a better sunshine in the morning.

na-FALL OUT OF LOVE KNB...?

Matagal nang napatunayan na ang kahit anong usapan basta tungkol sa PAG-IBIG ay palaging magiging makulay, kasing kulay ng bahaghari tuwing matatapos ang ulan, at malawak, tulad ng kalangitan sa gabing maningning ang mga bituin.

Naiisip ko tuloy na para maiba naman, bukod sa pangkaraniwang, “iniwan na ako ni ganito” o kaya ay “mahal ko na si ganire” bakit hindi ako gumawa ng isang tanong na pwede kong sagutin at siyempre sasagutin din ng mga makakarinig nito.

Tanong: Na-FALL OUT OF LOVE ka na ba sa isang kaibigan? (Kaibagan lang ito ha! Nothing more! Nothing less!)

Siguro tatanungin nyo din ako kung bakit ko pa naisipang itanong ito sa inyo. Siyempre katulad ng mga theory sa science merong pinag-uugatan ang katanungan aking naisip.

Ilang gabi lang ang nakakalipas isang kaibigan, na papangalanan natin FRIEND 1, ang nagsabi sa akin na nararamdaman na daw niyang may namumuong COLD WAR sa pagitan ko at ng isa pang kaibigan, si FRIEND 2. Ang bigat ng mga salitang binitawan niya. Una sa lahat kilala niya ako at mas lalong kilala niya ang kaibigan ko. Naisip lang ni FRIEND 1 na habang tumatagal kasi ang mga araw na pinagsasamahan namin ni FRIEND 2, mas napapadalas na ang mga awayan na nagmumula lang naman sa mga simpleng bagay. Sabi pa ni FRIEND 1, feeling niya daw ang mga simpleng away-bati namin ni FRIEND 2 ay natatapos ngunit para bagang isang tumpok na ng file sa isang opisina na pwede mong halungkatin kahit kailan, kumbaga naka-save na sa isang database.

Alam kong mahal ko si FRIEND 2, katulad ng pagmamahal sa isang kapatid, alam niya yan. Hindi ko isusumbat ang mga bagay na ginawa ko para sa kanya dahil batid ko na ginawa ko ang lahat ng bukal sa aking puso. Ayokong isipin niya na matatalikuran ko siya dahil kahit hindi ko alam makipag-suntukan alam niya dadaanin ko sa sabunutan maipagtanggol ko lang siya sa mga mang-aapi. Ganoon ko siya ka mahal, kung hindi man niya iyon pinapahalagahan wala akong pakiaalam, mahal ko pa din siya.

Bilang isang tao, hindi ko matatanggi na mahina din ako. Kung minsan hindi ko nagugustuhan ang mga bagay na ginagawa ni FRIEND 2. Ang mga akala niyang masasakit na salita na ako lang ang makaka-bigkas ay kaya din niya. Nasasaktan din naman niya ako at alam ko, ako din sa kanya. Magulo pero alam ko naiintindihan ninyo. Normal lang ito, part of growing up.

Ngayon, hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin sa mga susunod na pangungusap sa artikulong ito. Ang totoo gusto ko lang naman talaga malaman, gusto na mabigyan ng kasagutan ang tanong na aking naiisip. Na-FALL OUT OF LOVE na ba ako sa aking kaibigan?

Ayaw ko magsawa na maging laging nandiyan para sa kanya. Ayaw ko na iwan ko siya at ganun din siya sa akin. Ayaw ko na hindi na siya ituring na kaibigang aking mahal katulad ng pagmamahal sa isang kapatid. Ayaw ko na OO ang maging sagot sa tanong na kahit kailan alam kong HINDI ang isasagot ko.

Kung OO o HINDI man ang sagot mo... Hala! Bakit?

Curtain Call (Goodbye to being WORKMATES. We'll continue to be FRIENDS!)

This is the FAREWELL LETTER I've sent to my colleagues in ePLDT Ventus (Libertad-OB). Another letter followed few days after I've sent this one. That time it was my formal resignation addressed to my manager. September 1st, I'm officially no longer, and in any forms, connected to the company aside from the friends I've left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
August 22, 2009

Friend,

My two years of stay in the company have been a very fruitful experience for me. This is where I learned the basics of working professionally with people dedicated to the growth of their own selves and the organization as well. It was indeed joyous to see how I've grown up from the time that I was still vying for a seat in the organization to the point that I am already writing this letter. Taking sales calls will never be easy without the help of people like you. You've taught me things that I cannot only apply on my calls but to my personal life.

They say that nothing is permanent in this world but change. And I guess this is the best time for that big change to happen. I know this will be for the better. I may sound selfish, for it is me who's thinking that this will be my chance to escape from the usual me who have been for the past two years. It is not you whom I consider with this decision I'm about to make, everything is about me. I don't know how to explain this but the truth is it is time for my curtain call. I'll be bidding goodbye to my spectators and will say hello to the new show.

I'll forever remember the days when we had laughs, stress, the shouting, fun, soaring high sales goals, the zeros, the gossiping, your reprimands, you being a coach and brother /sister at the same time, cigars, beer towers, and whole lot of criticisms we both manage to swallow and throw up back to their faces. I may not be the perfect agent, employee or friend but I know I have shared some wonderful moments we will both consider as an added learning to what we both have before we knew each other.

I will surely miss everything! So long!

Bee Happy,
Jabee