Speaking for A friend...

Every scar I have tells a story.

Like the times when I fell off my bike, the times when I scraped my arm while climbing that tree, and the times the bitch broke my heart.

But time has passed by like sand in an hourglass and I’ve learned so many things, lessons I’ve never had. I learned the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and learned that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. I learned to accept my defeats with my head up and my eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

I'm 23 and love already has me tired, disgusted and dismissed. Every day I get up with battle wounds from fighting cupid's misfortune, with one hand over my eye and cuts all over my rib areas, and a hole in my heart. It’s like the devil moved into my heart and the bastards pitched a tent. I've lost who I am, I'm not the same old me. I don't like who I've become. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and I can't seem to find my way out. These cold empty walls are of my making; I created them and they have me shaking. Hiding from mistakes will last for a moment; lust deceived me into believing it was real. But how quickly the atmosphere changed and the once felt love is now hurt that I feel. So I’ll stay true to myself, stand tall, and won’t despair.

I’ll set my soul free from doubt and one day my other half, he will prepare.

Adam had to ask, remember, for God to make Eve not before he was ready, or his purpose unfound. Adam knew when he asked the truth about love, that without two holes, a union would tumble right to the ground. So the question remains, do I know who I am? Have I lost my way from loves built upon lust? I won’t allow others confused to leave me tossed. I’ll re-steady myself, continue my journey, and won't let the life of the world make love hurry. Life may mislead you and bring you many things that aren’t that great.

If life misleads you it’s for you to learn something new every day. It isn’t to punish you or because it hates you like most people would think. If it wasn’t too misleading to you, and cause havoc, and pain and broken hearts in your life, then you would live a perfect life, but what good is it if you don’t learn?

Life is full of surprises and sometimes hurtful ones and you never can prepare or foreshadow if good things or bad things will happen. That’s why I don’t regret anything, not even the broken hearts, losing loved ones, the pain and havoc and doing things that I shouldn’t have done. This is the reason why I am the way I am and I act the way I do. Maybe I just need someone to love me so badly because I’m really not okay. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know, the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. In the end this love thing is just a game and now I just want to hear you scream my name.

No psychological attraction, I'm done with the pain. Karma has finally appeared only to give me the chance I've earned, for me to refuse you because my heart was taught a lesson that it finally learned.

...I just thought of speaking for you, a friend.

The unspoken has been written. And the unwritten is yet to come!

Salamat kay JOYCE KILMER!

Nakakatuwang balikan ang mga bagay na natutunan mo noong ang isip mo ay hindi pa kasing lawak katulad ng sa ngayon. Ang Trees ni Joyce Kilmer, ay isa sa mga unang tula na aking nabasa, simple at madali kong naintindihan. Pakiramdam ko noon ay ang talino ko, dahil sa ganoong edad, hindi lahat ng kababata ko ay nakakaintindi na ng Ingles. Nkakaaliw din isipin na ito ay sabay pa naming binabasa ng Mama ko. Tuloy sa tuwing makakakita ako ng puno nire-recite ko ito ng paulit-ulit at pagkatapos bibitawan ang linyang ito;

"Balang-araw, aakyat ako ng puno't magsusulat din ng mga bagay tungkol sa mundo."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I

think

that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her

Leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me,

But

only

God

can

make

a tree.

TREES by Joyce Kilmer

CLASSIFIED ADS: Wanted Perfect Lover

It has been 23 years of life turning events, one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Coming to this point of my life really makes me think how I’ve been for the past years of my existence. Have I really gotten what I am dying to have? Or have I been successful with all the comings and goings in my life? Have I really fell in love? And one thing was there really someone out there who have loved me or who will love me, and be all that crazy about me? Oh, when I say someone who loved or who will love me, I mean not maternal, paternal, brotherly or sisterly love, and not to mention love coming from friends or I may say love of God. I know I get all of that, I’m pretty sure!

I don’t want to sound too egotistic but please spare me for I know that I am longing for full attention. Well, who doesn’t want the idea of having someone going gaga over you? Admit it; everybody dreams to be loved the way they planned it to be.

I am a hundred percent hopeless romantic. I always dreamt of having someone who will sing love songs for me. Someone who will prepare my morning coffee and sunny side up egg. Someone who will give me umbrella when the rain pours. Someone who will tirelessly fetch me from the office every single day. Someone who will give me advil whenever my head aches. Someone who’s going to understand me when everybody don’t. Someone who’s gonna cry when I am not around. Someone who will miss me even if I’m just right beside him. And most specially, someone who will make love with me and will always make love with me even if our hair’s already gray.

I know it is really hard to find that someone but something in me tells me that he is just around. I also figure that finding that someone is very much in reality. I’m not being idealistic, so don’t laugh at me, recount from my past proved me that there is really someone, I know because I have been that someone before in somebody else’s life. Believe me!

Now I’m thinking, if companies appoint their best employees from advertising in classified ads should I do the same for me to find that someone? I’ve seen people doing it in movies! And don’t get me wrong because real people also do it in actuality. In chat rooms, in blog sphere, on TV, text messages, even the simple calligraphy on public toilets or maybe at the back of a bus seat. But since I am hopeless romantic let’s do it old school and be conventional, why not post an advertisement on a national paper, so everybody gets to read it. Better yet on a Sunday paper.
What an idea!!!??? Should I look for him or should I wait for the right time to come. I’m sounding desperate to be in love again, I know right?

España sa Madaling Araw

*********************************************

Nobyembre at Disyembre ni AKO at ang DATI

Binalikan ni ako ang dati, sa pag-asang maulit ang kahapon.
Sinimulan ni ako sa isang simpleng mensahe ng hindi naghahangad ng kasagutan.
Sumagot ang dati at muling nabuo ang tulay sa pagitan nila ni ako.
Naging masaya at pauulit-ulit na tumawa.
Naisip ni ako hindi pa din s'ya nagbago, ang dati pa rin minahal ni ako.
Umiyak ang dati, sinabing mali ang panahon ng pagbalik ni ako.
Tinanong ni ako, paano naging mali?, iyak na lang ang muling sagot.
Hiniling ni ang dati na huwag umalis ni ako, at siya namang pinagbigyan ni ako.
At 'yon na nga, natapos ang taon magkasamang muli ang dati at ni ako.

*********************************************

KAGABI

Ilang araw matapos ang kaarawan niya, dinalaw ko siya sa kanyang apartment. Binigay ang mga bulaklak na muntik ng malanta sa paghihintay ng muli naming pagkikita. Kinamusta ang matamlay niyang mga ngiti at pilit na inilabas ang kanyang mga ngiping mapuputi. Hindi ko alam kung oras na para sabihin ko sa kanya ang lahat, kaya bago ko sinimulan sinugurado ko munang maayos naman siya. Ito ang aking mga sinabi;

Nahihiya ako sa iyo. Hindi ko kasi gustong isipin mo na ako ulit ang mang-iiwan. I will just be here, I'll be around. I just need to focus on my own life now. Hindi na muna siguro kita kukulitin. I need my time now to think and make a decision for my self. Time mo na din para malubos mo ang iyong pag-iisip. Kung nakapag-decide ka na, just let me know para I can let you in on my life again. Just in case ako lang naman ang swertehin pero kung hindi maybe we can just go back to being friends. Naging masaya ako na nagkita tayong muli. Siguro magkikita na lang tayo ulit kapag handa na tayo pareho. Kapag wala nang iba bukod sa atin. Thank you sa lahat J*****.

Natapos ang litanya ko at ang nasabi na lang niya ihahatid na kita. Paglabas namin ng apartment niya naglalakad kami ng walang imikan. Pagdating sa pilahan ng tricycle, walang nakapila. Sabi niya, "Ayaw ka paalisin, ay pauwiin pala.", at singot ko naman na, "Kailangan ko na e!".



*********************************************

KANINA

While browsing a song book na mayroon dito sa bahay nakita ko ang kantang ito. Kinanta ko at pinilit na kinuha ang tono. Naalala ko kagabi lang pala ay nagpaalam ako kay J*****. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung kanta ko ito para sa kanya o dapat na siya ang kumanta nito para sa akin. Aalis ako hindi dahil sa hindi ko siya mahal. Nagpaalam ako dahil iyon ang dapat. Kailangan niyang mag-isip. Komplikado ang bagay na mayroon kami. Hindi ko masabing may iba dahil wala naman pero mayroon talaga. Ako ang kanyang problema at hindi niya iyon maaayos ngayon. Kaya siguro di-distansya na muna ako sa kanya.

Can I take your smile home with me
Or the magic in your hair
The rain has stopped
The storm has passed
Look at all the colors
Now the suns here at last
I suppose that you’ll be leaving
But I want you to know
Part of you stays with me
Even after you go
Like an actor plays in someone else’s scene
This could not be happening to me

But you were there
You were everything I’d never seen
You woke me up from this long
And endless sleep
I was alone
I opened my eyes
And you were there

*********************************************

NGAYON

Sinulat ko ang blog na ito dahil gusto ko. Gusto kong maalala ang bawat detalye ng mga nangyari noong NOBYEMBRE, DISYEMBRE, KAGABI at KANINA. Hindi ako mabubuhay sa nakalipas gusto ko lang maalala at paulit-ulit na madama ang tamis ng nagdaang huling buwan ng buhay ko. Gusto ko lang talaga.

*********************************************

BUKAS at sa mga DARATING NA MGA ARAW

Mag-iiba na ng kaunti ang mga araw ko. Wala na akong babatiin ng good morning sa umaga katulad ng pagbating gingawa ko sa kanya. Wala na akong pipiliting ngumiti sa tuwing maha-high blood siya sa mga students niya. Wala na akong dadalawin sa apartment sa may San Jose. Wala na din akong mararamdamang kaba sa tuwing hindi siya magte-text o tumatawag man lang. Wala na akong reason para mag-stay pa dito sa condo sa may España. Madami na ang mawawala pero alam ko sa takdang panahon kapag alam na niya ang sagot babalik muli ANG DATI kay AKO at magiging masaya sila. Kung hindi man ganoon malamang babalik kami sa kung ano kami bago nagkaroon ng malisya ang lahat.

*********************************************